Mean Time

This post is my first full-English. I don't know why I chose to write in English, I just want to.  
Since I had promised not to hold myself to write anything in this blog, so I'll let you know this. Probably after I let this thing out, I can find some light, the solution, the answer, or whatever.

I can say a few days back was the lowest point in my life. I don't even have any idea what's going on with me. I have wonderful family, lovely friends, a great job, everything seems perfect...but I feel disgraceful. Every single thing lost the meaning. I'm such a cluesless 20-something and it sucks.

Finally this kinda feeling has come, the fear of being trapped.
The front door is right there, I supposed to escape everywhere. But I can't, I just can't.

I lost myself.

It's been a week I woke up in the morning, angry, and cried.
I was angry with the morning sunlight coming into my room through the window.
I was angry with email notifications on my smartphone everytime I checked it.
I was angry with every voice that sounded to my ears.
I was angry with the alarm, books, chair, air conditioner, table, every littlest details in my room.
I was angry day and night.
I was angry with morning greetings sms from my parents.

Above all, that's the worst part and I punish myself with tears.
I'm tired, exhausted even before I started the day. I'm not a happy person at this time.

I'm faking my smile.

My smoking habits getting worse every day. I lost my excitement for the things around me. I couldn't manage my time. I got angry when I noticed day has changed.

For now, let me lose my patience. I don't want to enjoy this part of the process of life. I'm mean and I'm sick of it. I'm a weary soul. I want answers, what's wrong with me??? Show me!